The Introspective Paperweight

Zoe

2011-12-16T21:49:00.012-05:00

The images above were commissioned by a friend of mine. Commissioned work has always filled me with a strong sense of anxiety for different reasons. The main one, however, is what if the client doesn't like it. I'm a perfectionist of the highest order and I hate to disappoint myself never mind other people. The other most pressing concern for me, is that I don't have a lot of equipment and I prefer to use only natural or available light, so obviously this means that if the conditions aren't perfect, I feel I can't guarantee results. I live in a small town and exposure of my photography to the people of this town, through the premier social networking site has caused a lot of people to ask me to photograph them and their families. I think it's finally time to just go with it. I've another commission coming up and I'm really excited about it. I think that 2012 will see me doing a lot more of this kind of thing. The results of this shoot with sweet little Zoe have really pleased her parents and have inspired me to boot.

What is beautiful

2011-11-01T23:56:00.009-04:00

Self Portrait 10/09/11

Self Portrait 8/30/08

Laura Lee 10/20/08

Self Portrait 9/21/07

Self Portrait 6/24/07

Robyn 3/27/10

Self Portrait 9/21/08

What's beautiful is personal. It's in the eye of the beholder, we've all heard that so much. It's my taste, or it's just not my cup of tea and things to that effect.

Why do artists paint ? Why don't I paint ? It's what I want to do more than anything else in the world, yet I can't. I paint with my camera, it's my back up system. It's become my potential in a box.

I used to wish for thousands of impossible things. I still wish a lot, only it's for a lot less. When I was little, I started this habit of clicking with my teeth to mimic the sound of a shutter being released and I would blink my eyes to capture beautiful things and moments I would never see again. I would wish every time that I had a hard copy waiting for me somewhere. Maybe I've always been a photographer...

What's beautiful to me ? It has to be real. This doesn't mean it can't be surreal, manipulated, molded even, but only up to a point.

It was too early...

2011-10-22T23:06:00.010-04:00

It was too early in the season to have the beach to myself but I did what I never do and, well, I 'performed' on the beach. Right there ! not hiding back in the dunes, undisturbed. I'm really pleased with myself for doing it. I know I probably looked like a fruitcake. I got my fair share of looks. I am really pleased with my results.

Self Portrait - Levitation

Self Portrait - Untitled

Self Portrait

In the second to last image, I can see evidence of inspiration from Mr Weston and his Charis. Not that I could ever come close.

It looks like there's not another soul in the world in the last image.

What I've shared with the world lately

2011-10-16T01:19:00.007-04:00

'Self portrait with son and monkey mask '

My public work on Flickr

1. Untitled, 2. Untitled, 3. Untitled, 4. Untitled, 5. Untitled, 6. Untitled, 7. Untitled, 8. Untitled, 9. Untitled, 10. Untitled, 11. Untitled, 12. Untitled, 13. Untitled, 14. Untitled, 15. Untitled, 16. Untitled, 17. Untitled, 18. Untitled, 19. Untitled, 20. Untitled, 21. Untitled, 22. Untitled, 23. Untitled, 24. Thomas, 25. Carlos, 26. Untitled, 27. Untitled, 28. Untitled, 29. Untitled, 30. Untitled, 31. Untitled, 32. Untitled, 33. Untitled, 34. Untitled, 35. Untitled, 36. Untitled

Because I can't go to bed on any given day without a sense of closure, the above mosaic is a brief summary of my public work since my last post. It's time to get back on track with blog writing as my poor head is teaming and I need another outlet.

More L In The Dunes

2011-02-08T09:56:00.007-05:00

A glorious day. I had just arrived at my secret spot when I heard my name being called. My L was out for a walk and saw me disappear into the dunes. Grateful for a model, I said would you like to wear a dress and lie down in the sand ? She accepted.

Photography mostly as an afterthought

2011-01-27T21:11:00.007-05:00

Chinese Blooming Flower Tea

Self Portrait With Snow

Self Portrait - Tim's Hat

Self Portrait - Heart Felt

My main obsession lately has been fabric. The photographs are here because I said they would be. I'm in a winter bubble right now, the weather and ill health have kept me housebound. Textile exploration has been a comfort blanket.

Self portrait - Heart Felt - I rarely smile in my self portraits and I rarely do anything gimmicky but the image I took fits the day and the mood quite perfectly. I had just gotten off the phone with my father, who has been suffering from ill health. I have been crafting with felt lately and I was sitting playing with a bundle of the stuff when I saw the heart shape. It occurred to me then that a nice smile might cheer my dad up.

Self portrait - Tim's Hat - About a foot of snow and despite my best intentions, frozen fingers and a vicious wind kept me from taking a spectacular landscape.

Self portrait with snow - I managed to get out into the post snow storm world. I even had time to do some creative editing. The shadows of plant life on snow were lovely and I'm pleased with the image I chose for the day. the portrait part of the diptych didn't come out quite as I had hoped. The thing that is so hard to capture when photographing snow, is that gorgeous glitter on the surface. It reminds me of another challenge - I have yet to get a good shot of the fine sand blowing across the beach. Perhaps one day I will be able to capture both of these things.

Chinese Blooming Flower Tea - Sick child and sick mother. The first time my baby has ever been unwell. I consoled myself during nap time with a cup of Chinese flower tea. I really wanted to capture the open flower in my cup but instead, I got a teacup full of liquid light and I liked it.

Fog

2011-01-23T09:23:00.009-05:00

Moonlit Clouds

Tommy

Bath

Fog

Self Portrait

Sun Trap In The Dunes

2011-01-18T15:58:00.008-05:00

' Self Portrait'

Five Winter Days

2011-01-10T23:15:00.012-05:00

The Visit

Self portrait

Just before the Snow

Mother and son

Thomas

Housebound for the most part.

Tommy has new dance moves.

A cold front moving in produced killer headaches and possibly the best shot of the week - the diptych.

Headaches not helped by depression induced by pondering the sad and corrupt state of the world.

New fabric arrived, tiny things were sewn successfully.

My tenth day ended in a wonderfully easy evening with friends.

Thanking lucky stars.

A Clean Slate

2011-01-06T00:01:00.007-05:00

The first five days of 2011

Day 5

Self Portrait - Freckles

Day 4

My Angel In The Sun

Day 3

The Osprey

Day 2

Self portrait - burning the midnight oil, creating the first tiny quilt square for a miniature quilt.

Day 1

My baby boy in a bubble

After a few years of photographing almost every single day, I took a few steps back and remembered to breath. I think the slow down started when my best friend left my town and shortly afterwards my son was conceived. I've been a mother now for a year and while my camera has generally been handy, I've reserved the endless snaps of Thomas for family eyes only. I have very high standards for myself and I hate the thought of being perceived as less of a success artistically than I have been in the past. This has caused me to share less of my work. I have decided that this is unhealthy. What is my art for ? It is for myself, primarily. This year, I will try to shoot more and not care too much about the "quality". Hopefully, obsessively shooting without being too hard on myself, I will turn out a few gems in 2011.

Breathing Room

2010-12-13T22:11:00.001-05:00

Starry Night

2010-11-26T01:23:00.007-05:00

20/11/10

Long exposure shots with a brief burst of flash, taken on a full moon night at the beach.

Sand Owl

2010-11-24T00:00:00.001-05:00

Well, this is one way to spend an afternoon...

Somewhere Not Here

2010-11-23T11:05:00.001-05:00

My first attempt at adding audio to a stop motion experiment. More to follow.

Dots Of light

2010-11-09T18:49:00.010-05:00

I walked down the nature trail, thinking about what I was going to do with my two precious hours of free time. I had packed my camera and my wonderful 50 mm lens. I also brought a sketchbook and pencils, just in case I saw anything inspiring to draw. It was clear and crisp and the light bounced off the glossy Live Oak leaves. I sat and contemplated a while, taking in the structure of the leaves, the twisted graceful limbs of the trees, and the jaunty little birds flying all around. I thought I would want to write later about the uniqueness of Live Oaks. I thought I would want to divulge my thoughts on how looking without drawing is as important to drawing as putting pencil to paper. I knew that my first course of action would be to whip out the camera and try to shoot another sequence of frames for stop motion. I thought it would be magical to have those little "bokeh" dots of light as a stage for some self portraits.

When I first looked at the series of images I made for my experiment, I was immensely pleased with the beauty of the light but little surprised by just how solemn my facial expressions were. When I looked more closely at some other self portraits that I took, I became very disturbed. My Hair has always been fine but I've just discovered that it's thinning dramatically. How ironic that on the day I choose to shoot a stop motion film of myself untying my hair, I discover that it's falling out ! Needless to say I'm feeling rather sad at the moment. The melancholy appearance of this little film is now oddly appropriate.

What's stranger still is that when I went to bed following this stressful evening, I did not have unpleasant dreams. I actually had the most wonderful dream I can recall having in a very long time. It was also the first time I have dreamed of my son. Tommy and I were flying around in space together, having so much fun, we were literally bouncing off planets ! We dropped into the upper atmosphere to swim in the sky and look over the earth. I was filled with joy and awoke feeling lighter. Flying and floating dreams are said to be had more often by highly successful individuals. Despite not having too many luxuries and having my fair share of worries and stress, I think that's what I consider myself to be - a successful individual. I know I am lucky. I'm thankful every day for what I have and for those who love me.

Experiment With Stop Motion II

2010-11-07T01:16:00.002-04:00

, originally uploaded by The Lydiannacat.

Experiment With Stop Motion

2010-11-06T23:56:00.006-04:00

JPGVideo, originally uploaded by The Lydiannacat.

I had a sudden yearning to try my hand at stop motion. These images were not intended for video, they were just a sequence I shot the previous afternoon.

A Pebble In My Shoe

2010-11-03T22:25:00.011-04:00

Once, when I was in secondary school, I had a hole in my shoe. It was there for months. I would dread the rain because when it rained, my foot would be cold and damp all day. I never told my parents because there were three of us kids and I knew they couldn't buy me new shoes without having to buy for all of us. They couldn't afford it. I never as a teenager had a good coat, a good pair of shoes or a good school bag all at the same time. It was my perpetual wish, while trawling though catalogs, that I could have all of these things. It was one of the things that the other kids bullied me about, my clothes, but also it was a basic matter of comfort. My bag would get worn and my books would get stained. my shoes would wear thin and get leaky holes, my coat would be too warm or not warm enough.

I was reminded recently, when I was out walking and I was listening to the regular stepping of my shoes, that there was a time when I dragged my feet. The walk home from school was at least half an hour and sometimes I was exhausted. Probably the wearing down of my shoes was partly my own fault.

Then there's the pebble in my shoe. Often, during the times when I wore the holey shoe, a small stone or pebble would worm its way in. This happened so often that I never stopped to take it out. Instead it would become a point of focus. I even enjoyed it. It became my task to work the pebble from an uncomfortable position at my heal, or in my arch, to a snug spot under my toes as I made my journey home.

I told a former love this story once. He thought I was strange.

I don't enjoy a stone in my shoe any more.

The Season Is Turning

2010-11-01T23:52:00.009-04:00

The leaves are beginning to crisp and the evenings are becoming chill. The clocks have already changed in Scotland, where it is downright cold and the daylight hours are shorter. A mere four hours is all that separates us in time. I miss living there sometimes, in a place where the leaves change colour, but I do not miss waking up in the dark and going home in the dark. I do not miss waiting for a bus while my toes lose feeling and my breath clouds the air. Where I have to tap out rhythms that rattle my skull because I cannot abide the waiting. Catching a bus. When did I stop instinctively climbing the stairs in a double decker bus, to sit at the top for the most thrilling ride ? I guess it was when bus travel became the norm and my imagination deserted me. When I was filled only with the dread of mundane jobs and duty during my most depressed period in a gray English city. That city had leaves of all colours in the autumn. It also rained almost incessantly, so the pretty leaves became a treacherous path, plastered to the pavement, slick with grime and their own decaying juices. There's none of that here. No buses. No colourful leaves and no slimy paving stones. No family waiting inside brick houses with approval or disapproval, or cups of tea and hot water bottles. There is, however, space and time. My own kettle, my own hot water bottle. Two warm, loving bodies in my own home - my son and my husband. My little family. They who keep each other company and let me be free, on occasion, to chase shadows and feel the season's change on my skin. They who welcome me back with smiles and arms and soft loving eyes.

Milo

2010-10-29T23:43:00.005-04:00

Nycteris

2010-10-25T23:49:00.004-04:00

Unconsciously, she took one step forward from the threshold, and the girl who had been from her very birth a troglodyte stood in the ravishing glory of a southern night, lit by a perfect moon -- not the moon of our northern clime, but a moon like silver glowing in a furnace -- a moon one could see to be a globe -- not far off, a mere flat disk on the face of the blue, but hanging down halfway, and looking as if one could see all around it by a mere bending of the neck.

``It is my lamp,'' she said, and stood dumb with parted lips. She looked and felt as if she had been standing there in silent ecstasy from the beginning.

``No, it is not my lamp,'' she said after a while; ``it is the mother of all the lamps.''

And with that she fell on her knees and spread out her hands to the moon. She could not in the least have told what was in her mind, but the action was in reality just a begging of the moon to be what she was -- that precise incredible splendor hung in the far-off roof, that very glory essential to the being of poor girls born and bred in caverns. It was a resurrection -- nay, a birth itself, to Nycteris. What the vast blue sky, studded with tiny sparks like the heads of diamond nails, could be; what the moon, looking so absolutely content with light -- why, she knew less about them than you and I! but the greatest of astronomers might envy the rapture of such a first impression at the age of sixteen. Immeasurably imperfect it was, but false the impression could not be, for she saw with the eyes made for seeing, and saw indeed what many men are too wise to see.

Excerpt from

The Day Boy and the Night Girl

(The Romance of Photogen and Nycteris)

by George MacDonald
1882

Quite simply the most astonishingly beautiful children's story I have ever read. It was narrated to me by my sister in law one summer evening and has remained in my heart ever since. It can be found in The Golden Key and an online version of the story here.

On Being Compared To Your Contemporaries

2010-10-24T22:54:00.008-04:00

I admit that I am a sensitive individual. I am aware that I have a lot of drive to create but no real ambition to turn that into monetary success or fame. That's not to say that I would turn my nose up at recognition. What has vexed me recently, however, has been commentary on my work, comparing me to my contemporaries. I really think it's a great compliment to be compared to my heroes, the dead ones. I'm a little insulted if the artist is alive and simply enjoys more publicity than myself. I have been photographing now for thirteen years and I am inspired by many modern artists but I am emulating no one. I'd like my images to be admired for their own sake. There is a tendency to worship, to idolize, in our celebrity focused culture. It's all just smoke and mirrors. I'm looking for beauty and I'm trying different outlets for self expression. I have a need to create, it's as simple as that.

Completed !

2010-10-24T20:47:00.003-04:00

A new choker

L In The Dunes

2010-10-21T22:22:00.010-04:00

I took my silk sari and a friend to some beautiful sand dunes today. The results of our shoot were completely unexpected. I have photographed one other women nude, and my focus was on the texture of the skin and the sensuousness of shadows. These images seem to be more about architecture. A study in the curves and fine lines of a statuesque yet delicate being. There is for me, a lot of grace and tranquility in these portraits of my friend.

Sari

2010-10-20T21:40:00.009-04:00

Six yards of silk.

A surrender to myself and to the eyes of those long dead that searched for the same. The draping of fabric that lets dreams of beauty become reality. Coveted cloth in creases with tiny details that catch the light, the draped form.

Bits and Pieces

2010-10-18T19:45:00.007-04:00

A new choker is almost complete !

This is my first attempt to incorporate hand beading techniques into a traditional loom woven choker. The flower or star like mandalas were made first. Then two narrow strips were woven on the bead loom. I have used the warp threads to attach the mandalas. I've already made a prototype in white, with blue crystals, it turned out pretty but a little virginal - good for wedding adornment. It took some trial and error to get the sizing right ! I really like the combination here of tiny Preciosa Czech seed beads, in silver-lined grey, with fuchsia Swarovski crystals. I cannot wait to finish this one.

My Etsy Shop.

A Little Shadow Play

2010-10-15T23:19:00.013-04:00

A cast of characters

Amy and her daughter daisy

Self portrait with my son Thomas

Tim

Self portrait

I simply cannot ignore the beautiful shadows and shapes cast by plant life and today I had a few willing models. More photos here

Focusing in on the details

2010-10-14T00:11:00.007-04:00

The image I have developed today, is one that has been languishing in a forgotten folder, just waiting for it's chance to be found. It's funny how an image may not appeal to you, when at first you are presented with it, yet one may have the sense that it cannot be discarded.

The intent yet slightly relaxed focus of the figure here, gives me the impression that beautiful ideas are being formed in the mind. The bed itself, the pretty shirt and the lowlight suggests comfort but the fact of being awake on the bed may suggest solitude and insomnia. The mind is too busy for rest and the body is not ready for action. Plans are still being formed.

One thing I like about this image, is that it is open to several interpretations. Personally, it reflects well how I am feeling now, despite the original image not being recent.

I stay up well past my bed time these days, drawing, rediscovering art materials - solid water colors versus tubes of the stuff. I've been reveling in the sentimental affection I hold for the various names of the hues ie: Burnt Umber and Cobalt Blue. I've been breathing in the woody, dusty, childhood classroom smell of pencils. I recently allowed myself to start using pencil again, complete with an eraser. You see, I started on my drawing kick, using only a fine tipped ink pen, so that I could not undo mistakes. I was hoping this would force me to to let go of my inhibitions about "getting it wrong". It seems to have worked.

I still cannot go to sleep, however, until I have spent some time outside - staring at the stars and planning out how to put my creative ideas into practice.

Creative Overflow And A New Direction

2010-10-12T21:40:00.007-04:00

Milo the Kitten, 10/10/10

Street Cat sketch 20/9/10

Self portrait with Milo the kitten 10/10/10

I've been a mother now for almost ten months. My whole world has changed. The days of procrastination are well and truly over. What free time I have is golden, so shiny and rare in fact, that I have decided use it for re learning how to draw and paint. There have been a few instances, in the last thirteen years of wielding a camera, where I have put pencil tentatively to paper with this very intention, only to withdraw in fear a short time after. I have been drawing, doodling and painting for just over a month now and I'm quite getting the hang of it again. I hope to put the best of my efforts on display here. Along with the drawings, I will display the best of my beadwork, photographs and other creations.